Make the Monkey Noise…..and it begins…..again

"Do you ever relax?" she asked.

I don't think I have ever been asked that question until now. I actually had to stop and think about the answer for a minute. I had a bite of chicken. I chewed. I took a couple of sips from my beer and continued to think. Then I answered.

"No."

My answer surprised me more than it did her. I don't relax. I never have. I don't know how. I bet on any given weekend you can find me lying on a couch in front of a television, but I don't consider that relaxing. If anything, I am busy trying to catch up on all of the sleep I have missed in the week. Still I am not relaxed, I am thinking. Why can't I ever stop thinking?

Make the monkey noise.

"You are very observant and you analyze things a lot." She said.

I do. I am still trying to figure out why I couldn't get that girl to go out with me when I was in 10^th grade. I think it is because she thought we were "just friends." What does that mean exactly? Aren't married people essentially "good friends?" You would date someone you weren't friends with, would you? Why does "just friends" have to be the end all be all to ending a further possibility? Why is "friendship" the reason you can't have a "relationship?"

Make the monkey noise.

How come some days I can write for hours and hours? Why can I not think of anything to write at all? Am I doing something that keeps me from writing? Did that extra shot of tequila make my creative juices start flowing? Did it dumb me down? Am I always in a writing mood, yet sometimes can't find the words? Why do I write? I use to hate writing. I remember complaining of hand cramps in elementary school so I would not have to write. Now, I find myself writing so I won't have to work. At least, I find myself writing when there is nothing worth working on while my head is churning? Why does my head churn? Who came up with the idea for churning butter? Did it just happen or did someone say, "what happens when I do this with milk?"

Make the monkey noise.

Why can't I sleep? The again, why can't I stay awake? Nights go by and I am still watching infomercials at 3:30 am. Days go by and I want to curl up under my desk at 2:30 p.m. and take a nap. Why can I be as comfortable sleeping on hard ground as I can in a soft bed? Why do I sleep so much better by myself than when a woman is lying next to me? It has always been that way. I spent three and a half years not being able to get to sleep when a girlfriend of mine was sleeping next to me. Yet, when she left it was dreamland for me. Why do I sleep in the nude when I am by myself but wear clothing any other time? Why have I not replaced that ceiling tile in my room? It has been missing for over three years. I really should replace it. It would make the room look a lot better. Why do I only clean my room when a girl is coming over? What is that on my floor? Is that a bug or just some sort of stain? Crunch, it is a bug? YUCK!

Make the monkey noise.

Why do I like sappy music? It just brings me down. On the other hand, it makes me feel good at the same time. Do I really want to be like Frank Sinatra? Or, would I rather be like Rambo? Rambo is a killing machine, but Sinatra was a lady-killer? Why is being called a "lady killer" necessarily a good thing? If you think about it, it really does have a bad representation. Why do dogs run behind cars? What happens if a dog catches up with a car? Is he going to attack it? Is he going to rip it apart? How come I have never had a dog? I have always had cats. My parents have had dogs but they were never really mine.

Make the monkey noise.

Why was it so easy for me to quit smoking this time? I have never had this much ease before. Therefore, I guess you can say this is the first time I quit smoking. Does trying really count? Was Yoda serious about that? What was Yoda anyway? Why do people memorize movie lines only to repeat them to other people? If I have already seen the movie, why do I need you to repeat it to me? Isn't it better from the movie anyway? Has anyone ever told you that you suck at impersonations? Who am I talking to? I think I need to go the bathroom. Maybe I can hold it? What does that mean? If I really "hold it" in the office, won't I get in some serious trouble?

Make the monkey noise.

I am a guy who doesn't like televised sports. Does that make me gay? I like beer, nude women and having sex with them (the women only). I guess not. Do people really care what I am thinking? If they made it this far maybe somebody out there actually does. What does "out there" mean? Is "out there" the real world? If so, is this the fake world? Can I move from one world to the next? Do you smell that? No, I didn't fart. Who came up with the word fart? I remember looking up that word in the dictionary and always being amazed by its definition. Fart, a small explosion between the legs. I still chuckle at that the thought of the little picture that shows two legs and a little cloud in between them. Who really thought that a picture illustrating a fart was a good idea? That had to be a joke. Right? The again, a lot of things were supposed to be jokes yet people take them seriously. For instance, 70's era clothing was bad enough the first time around, why bring it back? Chia pet? Who was the botanical genius who came up with this great invention?

Make the monkey noise.

If all those things on television are supposed to help you get rich, how come everybody isn't rich already? Why do I do dumb things when I am drunk? I don't own a "boogie bass." I own two of them. Why? Because at 4:30 am when you are drunk as hell, they just seem like the right thing to have. Really, who came up with the idea that a singing, mounted fish would sell? What an idiot. Who are you talking about the guy who invented the fish or the dingbat who owns two of them?

Make the monkey noise.

Where is my mind today? Spinning and spinning, it goes on and on. I keep thinking. Never stopping, my mind is a constant turning wheel trying to process every bit of information that is thrown my way. Maybe I like writing because I am forced to put it all down in words. Maybe I like drinking because it slows it all down for just a moment and I can catch my breath. Maybe I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking. Maybe I can sleep while I am at work because my job is just that uneventful. Am I really going to go to the gym tonight? I know I should. I haven't gone in a week. I feel lazy. I need to work off that winter ham that has somehow grown on my stomach. I hate ham. Why do I eat when I am not hungry?

Make the monkey noise.

What the hell does that mean anyway? Make the monkey noise? Does it carry some sort of hidden meaning? Is it a code that I am trying to send to someone? Is it a part of my past? Will only a few people know what that means? Make the monkey noise? Make the monkey noise? Who is the monkey? If Paul was the walrus does that make me the monkey? I think too much. Too much thinking can drive someone insane. I think too much. I have to make the monkey noise. I have to make the monkey noise. Too much thinking can drive a man insane. If I type enough, will my fingers wear down like the point of a pencil? Make the monkey noise. Ooh ooh ooh, aah aah aah. Stop the brain from taking over the mind. Stop the mind from taking over the body. Stop the body, make the monkey noise. The monkey noise is good.

Make the monkey noise.

Stop.